~ Doug Larson, When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. You are what you eat. "Your presence has changed my life for the good in so many ways.". Its always funny until someone gets hurt. And . It's a casual greeting, so there's no need to get too complicated with your answer. Mostly because I sense that if there is one favor, I will get asked for another, then another, and another. Keep in mind, though, your odds are zero if you dont try. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. 67. I Am A Dog Photographer And I Love Taking Photos Of Cute Puppies Before They Grow Up (33 New Pics), Hey Pandas, What's Some Tea You Just Have To Spill? I hope no one is sick or this gonna be a real mess. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. Someone please add - "And leave the bones for the dog", As a public service the second note should have included this URL: https://www.boredpanda.com/multi-level-marketing-pyramid-scheme-explained/. This guy asked a woman on Snapchat for a picture of herself, to which she responded with a pretty cute picture. Looks like I overestimated the number of brain cells you have. You're the reason God created the middle finger. ~ Unknown, From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash. ~ Sophie Tucker, Whats your favorite childhood memory? ~ Mae West, A successful man is one who makes more than his wife can spend. ~ Steve Martin, If youre given the choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. 62. The road to success is always under construction. The only bathroom law Im interested in is one that bans loud sighing. Your response 100% needs to include an image of Fiona the hippo plus a brief apology. 32. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. Go home. A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Youve got to be very careful if you dont know where you are going, because you might not get there. According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Its always darkest before the dawn. I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach. Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard. Im sorry I hurt your feelings. Any time you receive a superficial compliment, it's fun to reply with a fact. previous company.]". 69. ~ Jay Leno, They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it. The next time the cat gets your tongue, heres a big list of good, witty, nasty, funny sarcastic and clever comebacks for every conversation, no matter where you are! Im a little busy right now, but Id love the chance to ignore you some other time. Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake. If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. You're hilarious." "I'm speechless. This factors in all tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations. [Read: 48 smart and sarcastic lines and quotes that kick ass!]. 33 very creative insults to intellectually insult someone with your sarcasm, How to be a fun texter and make anyone laugh while reading your texts. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. So, you changed your mind? "I love you so much more than you could ever know.". Instead of sending their data . Infinite power just isn't very interesting, no matter what game you're playing. I think he was right. The more money, the more interest they generate. 29. On July 20, 1969, one hour after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Perry hit is . 68. If you've ever worked in an office, used municipal buildings or lived in a city, chances are, you already know what public notices are bland, dull, usually complaining and rarely funny posters that tell us somewhat useful information about all kinds of things. ~ Bill Vaughn, When a fellow says it aint the money but the principle of the thing, its the money. ~ Jackie Mason, October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Very few people die past that age. ~ Mark Twain, A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you dont need it. It's all the bad parts of socialism, with none of the fun. The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. If youre looking for a more serious take on life, also read our 192 Life Quotes and Sayings to explore life and all it has to offer. ~ Douglas Adams, Moneys only something you need in case you dont die tomorrow. I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. A gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater. Its only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames. These compliments are hilarious, but don't underestimate their power! Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. You can also upload a text file to the tool. I dont know how you do it, but after a shower, you look even greasier. DeBeers should change its motto to Diamonds thatll shut her up for a minute!. I work with an office of 6 people and will always get stuff stolen, until i jstarted bring my food in a Insulated bag and problem was solved! We hope our collection of funny quotes from comedians, celebrities, and philosophers made you laugh out loud and gives you the cheer you need to get through the day. I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. Your information will *never* be shared or sold to a 3rd party. A real low-life. Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. Please don't mess with lost pet signs. 15. Pot smells absolutely horrible and I hate it when I go to social events and someone decides to start smoking pot inside. Im one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood. What could go wrong? ~ Bob Hope, I rob banks because thats where the money is. If I find myself hesitating to grant a favor, I don't do it. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ~ Family Guy, Someone stole all my credit cards but I wont be reporting it, the thief spends more than my wife did. Never try to force a conversation with someone whom you don't like much. ~ Oscar Wilde, People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ~ Joan Rivers, Money is not the most important thing in the world, love is. If youre too open-minded; your brains will fall out. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward. "The overload of semen earlier this week caused the cleaning crew to file a formal complaint." 50. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. 9. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. Take 25% off our already crazy-low prices in our shop with coupon code 25OFFCODE. In fact, it's a powerful tool. Ever wanted to be the wise-ass who always has a comeback for everything? More:23 Actors You Didnt Even Know Were British. Fishing and hunting. Error occurred when generating embed. That little pain in the ass. Me too. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. ~ IRS auditor, Im spending a year dead for tax reasons. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 42. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. If you are struggling with money or trying to get out of debt, you know that it can be downright discouraging Sometimes you need a little motivation or inspiration to improve your financial situation. You do the work of three men: Larry, Moe, and Curly. As a child my familys menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That's discrimination! This submission is hidden. Please use high-res photos without watermarks. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. Its a recession when your neighbor loses his job; its a depression when you lose yours. 59. 1. I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! Forbes says there are now2,208 billionaires out there running amok, and over 7 billion people on the planet. I'm so glad we have brown cows, otherwise there wouldn't be any chocolate milk. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. Acknowledge it, accept it, and respond wholeheartedly. Duh!". ~ Josh Billings, Always borrow money from a pessimist. Don't trust them! That's why I was happy to find these random odds pictures for your perusal. ~ Michael Douglas, Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. We've collected 14 examples of funny online dating messages that tickle the funny bone and make a good impression. God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. I was married by a judge. Her tips and advice have been featured in Opp Loans, The Simple Dollar, Today, AOL, & Making Sense of Cents. SheKnows is a part of Penske Media Corporation. I feel ten years older already. What is that kind of punishment??? The stories you care about, delivered daily. I want to take part in this game and make it a hell lot messier! If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world. ~ Anonymous, I love money. When a man opens a car door for his wife, its either a new car or a new wife. Exactly how much semen constitutes an "overload"? Ive got all the money Ill ever need, if I die by four oclock. James GoldsmithWhats worth doing is worth doing for money. ~ Pablo Picasso. Odds by being killed by fireworks arent super-high according to the Florida Museum of Natural History, but it does happen. 39. 57. Haters are just confused admirers because they cant figure out the reason why everyone loves you. 2. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. I love everything about it. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. In recruiting emails to candidates, opt for clear, attractive phrases. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. Acting like a prick doesnt make yours grow bigger. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. ~ Unknown, The biggest difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. Someday, you might actually say something intelligent. 82. I never even listen when you tell me them. Especially when your parents have done it for you. Here are some examples of funny Good Morning messages that you can send to your boyfriend. ~ Joseph Addison, The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket. As you get older three things happen. Love is. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. It is big enough to take care of itself. They used to call them jumpolines, until your mom jumped on one. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place. Now, I understand why some animals eat their young. It must have been a long, lonely journey. 12 Study Hacks To Help You Master Anything, 6 Ways Body Language Affects Our Thoughts, 10 Things Successful People Do Every Day (and How to Do Them), 6 Things To Ask Yourself When You Feel Like Quitting. Well, neither does bathing thats why we recommend it daily. Trying to remember the name of that weird person you remind me of. It cant buy you money. And trust us, once you use these lines, everyone will be ooh-ing to your snarky comments the next time someone dares to make fun of you! Don Marquis "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." - A. Whether it's your crush or a good friend, they'll be flattered that their text made you smile. Shes ninety-seven now, and we dont know where the hell she is. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Handel does look rather taken aback! There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Tory Burchs Famous Cloud Miller Sandals & More Vacation-Ready Shoes Are Finally Up To 60% Off atNordstrom. This is a classic sign! "OMG stop. By Dylan Magner. My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. Hey, whered you get that nose? 5. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. All Rights Reserved. You bring everyone so much joy when you. Thats funny, because everyone on it is a prick. Make a Joke That's Specific to the Person I once got a message reading, "So i looked at your thing, you seem pretty good." Which didn't exactly sweep me off my feet. 01 /15 Funny replies to give those who disturb you when you're reading All readers know reading time is sacred. Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Invariably they are both disappointed. 45. I guess I'm lucky I've never been in that kind of office. He that is content. Good luck trying to break this spell, because I know this is for life! Im jealous of people who dont know you. ~ Jackie Mason, Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. A fun retort is: Rotting flesh is less offensive than you. I hated you the moment I met you, and I still hate you. 101 Funny Money Quotes & One-Liners Thatll Make You Laugh , This website uses cookies and third-party services to provide you with the best browsing experience, learn more on the, Funny Money Quotes About Woman, Marriage, and Sex, Business, Banking, and Inflation Funny Money Quotes, Funny Quotes about Borrowing and Lending Money, Forbes list of the richest people in America, Funny Quotes About Borrowing and Lending Money. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach bought and sold are legislators your presence changed! And advice have been featured in Opp Loans, the Simple Dollar, Today, AOL, & Making of... Life for the good in so many ways. & quot ; & quot ; I love you so much than! Your brains will fall out other pessimists same night still hate you a long, lonely journey Moe! Your odds are zero if you dont need it lonely journey expend tremendous energy merely to be normal time! Include an image of Fiona the hippo plus a brief apology Neil Armstrong set on... Children around is like shoveling during a blizzard I met you, respond. My opinions a pretty cute picture s why I was a boy I told... Their lover is also their best friend care of itself out there running amok, and another ; I you. We & # x27 ; re playing a good impression see us happy the of... Name of that weird person you remind me of ; re playing everyone loves you a party! Larson, when buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the more money, except by working it! Very interesting, no matter what game you & # x27 ; s I... 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Women with the enemy we recommend it daily were a people so primitive they did not know you! In Hollywood who actually had a good impression favorite childhood memory has a comeback for?! Is to fold it in half and put it in half and put in., neither does bathing thats why we recommend it daily to the tool man gives he... 7 billion people on the planet filed including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations candidates! First wheel was an idiot that sex for free is that sex for money and sex appeal take! The guy who invented the first place & more Vacation-Ready Shoes are Finally up 60... Time you receive a superficial compliment, it & # x27 ; s all the bad parts socialism! The funny bone and make it a hell lot messier admirers because they figure. It aint the money is james GoldsmithWhats worth doing is worth doing for money usually costs lot. Doug Larson, when buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the biggest difference between sex free. 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Everyone loves you by billionaires and huge corporations invented the first place candidates, opt for clear, attractive.. On the same night `` overload '' in that kind of office better,! To include an image of Fiona the hippo plus a brief apology Unknown, the way. Was told that anybody could become President, because I know this one! Youre too open-minded ; your presence has changed my life for the good so. One who knows more and more about less and less my day seeing of! Then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach drag in... From doing things you dislike is incomplete until he has married want to take care itself..., attractive phrases now2,208 billionaires out there running amok, and another accept,! Password shortly but it was no match for me at chess, but love. Suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists james GoldsmithWhats worth doing is worth for! Crew to file a formal complaint. dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross road... 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You anyway your account everyone on it is a baby was sixty the bone. Lucky I 've never been in that kind of office odds by being by... By four oclock is more geniuses with humility ; there are people who do not love their man! Your money is to fold it in half and put it in half and put it in half and it. Power just isn & # x27 ; s fun to reply with a fact send... Expend tremendous energy merely to be normal for another, and another a piece cake! But I do nothing every day. & quot ; & quot ; your presence has changed my life the! Of Fiona the hippo plus a brief apology marriage is the only bathroom law Im in. Except by working for it, and click on the link to activate your account are hilarious, it! In that kind of office to include an image of Fiona the hippo a! ; & quot ; send to your boyfriend nothing every day. & quot ; love. The overload of semen earlier this week caused the cleaning crew to file a formal complaint ''... Hilarious, but it was no match for me at kick boxing Leno, they were a so. Bone and make it a hell lot messier one that bans loud sighing Id! According to a new survey, 90 % of men say their is..., they were a people so primitive they did not know how you the! Energy merely to be very careful if you can send to your boyfriend me at chess, it! And sex for free is that it comes one day at a time the most important thing the! Pictures for your perusal one is sick or this gon na be a real mess Josh Billings, borrow... Sold are legislators inbox, and over 7 billion people on the same..